The people in your life really mess you up 

Ramble No.6:

We don’t realise these things as they’re happening, we don’t realise how some events affect our lives but they do. 

I find it very difficult to trust a partner or even a friend. I am thankful that I’ve had and retained some priceless friendships. They decreased overtime, as they do for most people and having had to vacate my home myself as well as most of my friends, distance has played its role in weeding out the weaker friendships. I am beyond thankful for this clean out. It means I am left with the connections that are not affected by distance or intermittent communication. It is hard trying to stay in touch considering we are all adults now, we have our own lives, our jobs, families and the time distance only adds onto that.

Through life, I have been surrounded by so many different types of relationships, even if not directly connected to me, they have touched my life and the way that I perceive future connections.

My issues about relationships have been questioned and pointed out by many people over time. And over that time, I have come to understand myself more and more. It’s just a normal part of growing up. Distancing myself from people after having been constantly  surrounded by people has taught me to listen to myself more. What do I really want from life? What do I really want from myself? What do I want for myself? It’s a harsh realisation really digging into the darkest parts of your mind and the next morning, being able to accept who you are, what you have done, what you want to do, where you want to be and what you are willing to do to get to that place. It requires more strength than would be to accept others.

I know I have trust issues for several reasons. It is difficult to trust that people can be any type of constant in my life when so many different kinds of people have left. My brother and I watched one of the most influential relationships in our life unravel throughout our entire childhood, heard all the fights, watched all manner of abuse (and sustained some ourselves) and this has inevitably effected us.

Beyond this, I have watched as close relatives and friends went through their short-lived relationships (of all kinds) and watched as those relationships unravelled and destroyed them. Sometimes, I was there to help pick up the pieces. I watched some of my closest friends give up parts of them only to be discarded as if they never held any worth. The few aforementioned friends I still have, although I am not physically present to watch their relationships form and fall apart, I get to hear/read about it during our short conversations and it hurts just as much knowing they have once again been shattered. I’ve helped a friend through a very rough breakup. I’ve sat next to friends against a wall on the floor with their knees curled up to their chests, struggling to breathe, becoming dehydrated, not understanding how such pain was possible, not being able to form any words, sometimes struggling to make any sound at all. I’ve watched friends drink their young lives away and become reliant on drugs to get through their days, to get through conversations, to be able to sleep, to be able to stay awake, to be able to go to classes, get through assignments, go to work, get through meetings… I have watched their families fall apart bit by bit. I have picked up the phone to be asked to pick friends up when their houses no longer feel like home and I still watch as they attempt to find a replacement.

I have myself tried to escape to them on several occasions and every time, I felt more at home at other people’s houses, in the company of their parents, more than I ever did at home. Although we were young and these things happen when you’re young, it still affects your future outlook, reactions and even your expectations.

These things continue with you unless you learn to understand them, accept them and move past them. Learn to understand why you close yourself off from people; if you have been hurt in your life, you automatically put up a wall. You end up isolating yourself, you automatically assume you know how things will work out because you have gone through so many different situations, you have heard those words before, you know what comes after a certain action – or at least you think you do. It’s hard to push yourself to give a person the benefit of the doubt when pain has moulded your mind and taught you how to act, how to defend yourself and minimise the pain. It’s a struggle pushing past your automatic defence armour. However, sometimes you have to. You have to nurture some faith that may be a situation will turn out differently to what you have known. Even if it doesn’t end on a high note, it’ll teach you that things won’t always follow the template you have built up in your head.

It is difficult to understand what you want when all you know is that something in your life is missing. If every time you think of it as an empty place inside you, it remains an empty place that can only be filled by something that you have not yet come across. Try not to fill that place with a person – people leave – unless that person is you. Sometimes you have to find little things, you have to find out what makes you tick, what excites you, what makes you feel whole and do that. Just keep doing the things that make life more bearable, more fun, more worthwhile and that will slowly fill up that hole. You will slowly realise you no longer feel that same void anymore, even if it takes a while. It makes sense that something so important, something as valuable as feeling complete will take time and effort so go and dedicate time to yourself.

Every time you feel positive energy, every time something puts you in a good place, realise what it is, realise why it makes you feel good. That might just be one of that things that you put on that list of things that will fill you up with happiness and peace. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we have to appreciate and care for ourselves.

 

 

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Always feel free to share your thoughts/stories/ideas here. I hope everyone is having a good weekend!

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Extrovert? Introvert? Whaaaa..?

Ramble No. 1:

introvert-extrovert

Introvertness: I spent my childhood thinking I was a geek at school, always reading, always correcting people, always getting high grades, always told to just shut up, to stop being a smarty pants, a know it all. I was even nicknamed google for a few years… I always had issues starting conversations with people and if they lagged, I had issues reviving such conversations. Half of the time, I sat there in the awkward silence having a mini-anxiety attack on the inside trying to think of a “good” way to bring the conversation back, the other half of the time I was thankful for the silence and praying I won’t have to go through more small talk or really boring talking points. I preferred the solitude of my bedroom for days on end, generally avoiding human interaction as much as I possibly could. 

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Changing schools, changing friends, domestic issues, lots of travel, mixing with such a vast amount of personalities have all affected me in ways I’m probably not fully aware of. I will probably never become aware of the full extent of such effects. Nonetheless, I see them all in a positive light. Whether something has been painful or joyful, comforting or uncomfortable, I have gained knowledge from it and I have endeavoured to better myself with that knowledge. Some of the things learned were simply things about myself that I hadn’t noticed before and if they are things I did not like, I became more active at implementing changes. And so, my social skills, and liking of social situation, changed. 

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Extrovertness: I spent most of my teenage life as a relatively popular person. I was always surrounded by people, most of whom I regarded as friends for the most part. I was fine with conversations, sometimes I was even funny! *pause for admiration at basic skill* I was fine with striking conversations, continuing them and ending them. Small talk wasn’t as big an issue anymore. You’d think I would continue on with that but it seems age and some life changes have struck a sort of balance.

mean-girls    (not quite but close)

Beyond middle school, high school was a trying time. It included relationships and friendships; their creation and destruction and boy don’t teens love some drama! I was no exception to that stereotype. I enjoyed the drama at least some of the time. Emotional pain was a regular thing – between said relationships and friendships, my home situation was even less bearable. Something celebration worthy at 15 years old: a divorce was finally on the horizon. A separation under the same roof wasn’t cutting it. This followed by several family fall outs, failed personal “relationships”, moving house, being disowned several times and finally war – who says life in the Middle East is boring?! So many factors, no wonder I cannot ascertain the true source(s) of the balance.

The balance: Between the ages of 19 and 21, I alternated between being an extrovert and an introvert, both on extreme ends of the spectrum. Until the age of 22, introvert was seemingly prevailing. Granted, this was not assisted by certain personal relationships, indeed they furthered the anxiety developed from my “left-over” PTSD but a couple of months after turning 23, I got a job at a law firm (tsk tsk here comes the money grabber) where I pretty much had an anxiety attack every 8-12 hours on a regular basis for the first 7 months. It was brutal. Going through those meant I was absolutely shattered but it was something I had to go through. I was secluded and stuck in books and TV shows for so long that I had effectively forgotten how to talk to people, how to be around them. Having work colleagues, having to speak to clients and other people all on a regular basis  got me to where I am now.

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Google informs me the thing I refer to as a balance between the two is an out-going introvert or extroverted introvert. Well that was useful… I thought I’d get a special word that isn’t a hybrid of some sort. Apparently out-going introverts and introverts get on fine but out-going introverts and extroverts don’t..? not-anti-social-selective

 

There should be a club for people like me because we can’t do extreme ends, we need that balance. There probably is a club and I am determined to find it!

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