The people in your life really mess you up 

Ramble No.6:

We don’t realise these things as they’re happening, we don’t realise how some events affect our lives but they do. 

I find it very difficult to trust a partner or even a friend. I am thankful that I’ve had and retained some priceless friendships. They decreased overtime, as they do for most people and having had to vacate my home myself as well as most of my friends, distance has played its role in weeding out the weaker friendships. I am beyond thankful for this clean out. It means I am left with the connections that are not affected by distance or intermittent communication. It is hard trying to stay in touch considering we are all adults now, we have our own lives, our jobs, families and the time distance only adds onto that.

Through life, I have been surrounded by so many different types of relationships, even if not directly connected to me, they have touched my life and the way that I perceive future connections.

My issues about relationships have been questioned and pointed out by many people over time. And over that time, I have come to understand myself more and more. It’s just a normal part of growing up. Distancing myself from people after having been constantly  surrounded by people has taught me to listen to myself more. What do I really want from life? What do I really want from myself? What do I want for myself? It’s a harsh realisation really digging into the darkest parts of your mind and the next morning, being able to accept who you are, what you have done, what you want to do, where you want to be and what you are willing to do to get to that place. It requires more strength than would be to accept others.

I know I have trust issues for several reasons. It is difficult to trust that people can be any type of constant in my life when so many different kinds of people have left. My brother and I watched one of the most influential relationships in our life unravel throughout our entire childhood, heard all the fights, watched all manner of abuse (and sustained some ourselves) and this has inevitably effected us.

Beyond this, I have watched as close relatives and friends went through their short-lived relationships (of all kinds) and watched as those relationships unravelled and destroyed them. Sometimes, I was there to help pick up the pieces. I watched some of my closest friends give up parts of them only to be discarded as if they never held any worth. The few aforementioned friends I still have, although I am not physically present to watch their relationships form and fall apart, I get to hear/read about it during our short conversations and it hurts just as much knowing they have once again been shattered. I’ve helped a friend through a very rough breakup. I’ve sat next to friends against a wall on the floor with their knees curled up to their chests, struggling to breathe, becoming dehydrated, not understanding how such pain was possible, not being able to form any words, sometimes struggling to make any sound at all. I’ve watched friends drink their young lives away and become reliant on drugs to get through their days, to get through conversations, to be able to sleep, to be able to stay awake, to be able to go to classes, get through assignments, go to work, get through meetings… I have watched their families fall apart bit by bit. I have picked up the phone to be asked to pick friends up when their houses no longer feel like home and I still watch as they attempt to find a replacement.

I have myself tried to escape to them on several occasions and every time, I felt more at home at other people’s houses, in the company of their parents, more than I ever did at home. Although we were young and these things happen when you’re young, it still affects your future outlook, reactions and even your expectations.

These things continue with you unless you learn to understand them, accept them and move past them. Learn to understand why you close yourself off from people; if you have been hurt in your life, you automatically put up a wall. You end up isolating yourself, you automatically assume you know how things will work out because you have gone through so many different situations, you have heard those words before, you know what comes after a certain action – or at least you think you do. It’s hard to push yourself to give a person the benefit of the doubt when pain has moulded your mind and taught you how to act, how to defend yourself and minimise the pain. It’s a struggle pushing past your automatic defence armour. However, sometimes you have to. You have to nurture some faith that may be a situation will turn out differently to what you have known. Even if it doesn’t end on a high note, it’ll teach you that things won’t always follow the template you have built up in your head.

It is difficult to understand what you want when all you know is that something in your life is missing. If every time you think of it as an empty place inside you, it remains an empty place that can only be filled by something that you have not yet come across. Try not to fill that place with a person – people leave – unless that person is you. Sometimes you have to find little things, you have to find out what makes you tick, what excites you, what makes you feel whole and do that. Just keep doing the things that make life more bearable, more fun, more worthwhile and that will slowly fill up that hole. You will slowly realise you no longer feel that same void anymore, even if it takes a while. It makes sense that something so important, something as valuable as feeling complete will take time and effort so go and dedicate time to yourself.

Every time you feel positive energy, every time something puts you in a good place, realise what it is, realise why it makes you feel good. That might just be one of that things that you put on that list of things that will fill you up with happiness and peace. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we have to appreciate and care for ourselves.

 

 

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Always feel free to share your thoughts/stories/ideas here. I hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Make it yours

Ramble No. 2:

Have you ever missed your bus or train by just a second or two? Ever gotten to the door of a shop just to be told “sorry, we’re closing” because you forgot that on that day of the week it closes earlier than usual? Ever gotten really excited about having sent a message only to be ignored or gotten a one-word reply? Ever been turned down for a good job or a scholarship? Breathe. Take a step back and look at all the little things that happened around that time.

Maybe you missed that train or bus because it would have gotten stuck in traffic or held at the next station. Maybe you would have met someone on the train you shouldn’t have or gotten into a conversation or someone may have made a remark that would have made your day worse than missing that train did. Maybe that bus got into an accident or someone was behaving so badly that the driver stopped the bus so by being on that bus you would have been delayed longer than the time you spent waiting for the next one.

You can think of not getting into the shop similarly adding on even more possibilities.

With not getting that job that seems like a dream; such good benefits, all of that experience.. you may have ended up miserable in that job, maybe you would have been asked to do something you wouldn’t have been happy with, maybe you would have been pushed to cross a line, may be you would have been stuck with bad co-workers or a bad boss, maybe you would have gotten stitched up for something you didn’t do. The possibilities are endless.

There are so many reasons these things happen, so many reasons that what we want doesn’t happen. Whatever you’re belief in life, religion, balance, energies, you know everything is connected somehow and we all fight the idea that everything happens for a reason simply because we do not know that reason.

Possibilities shouldn’t stop you from pursuing things in life but when something doesn’t go the way you wanted, remember this. It will bring a positive light to your life and by emitting that energy, you will attract the same positive energy and things will always fall into place. Remind yourself that you’re doing great and good things will happen.

You lose nothing by trying; it’s a state of mind, a thought here and there on those few occasions where something unwelcome happens. It’s worth a few tries but believe it will work when you try it otherwise you’re sending out the wrong energy and the attempt is worthless.

You can change your life for yourself.